


for my sake, please don't die

by sugarandbitterblues



Series: Life's Rejects: Interlude [2]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Original Work
Genre: All pronouns for Lucian, Cuddles, Friendship, Half-Elves, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Lucian is a dumbass, Mutual Pining, Other, Romance, Sleepy Cuddles, Tieflings, cursing, kind of romance tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-06 16:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14061246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandbitterblues/pseuds/sugarandbitterblues
Summary: After Lucian volunteers himself to undergo seven trials to drive out a war gang from the Aarakocra city, Verin is forced to confront the anxieties that come with adventuring. Is it really worth it?





	1. Almost Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Verin deals with the anxiety of one of his friends throwing themself headfirst into danger, and has another friend console him.

Verin couldn’t decide if his anger was more powerful than his worry. All he wanted to do was slap Lucian in his stupid face and stop him from throwing himself into death’s arms. They came here to get an animated shield that _Lucian_ wanted, and now _Lucian_ was going to throw herself into seven trials set up by the war gang in order to get it? Verin wanted to help the Aarakocra as much as he could, but this? This wasn’t helping, this was suicide.

He yelled at them, refused to participate, and all they did was continue to be stubborn about it. _It’ll be fine_ , she said. _I’m not going to die_ , she said. It was infuriating. Everyone else who attempted to go through the trials to get the war gang out already died. Did Lucian not realize this?

Maybe this was a sign from the gods. Adventuring was a mistake. Leaving home was a mistake. Falling for such a dumbass was a _mistake_ . That dumbass was going to get themself killed and there was nothing Verin could do about it. What could he do? He was a _bard_. All he was good for was a laugh and a fuck. Aside from maybe acting as a distraction, he was useless. There was nothing he could do to help Lucian.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by a knock. The door was open. Standing in the door frame was Surrin.

Verin perked up and got to his feet. He did his best to make his smile as cheerful as he could possibly make it, forcing his ears to stay up and trying to keep his tail from dropping to the floor. It had only been a few hours since he returned from his um… flight with the cute Aarakocra, so it made sense that he should be in a good mood.

“Hey!” he said, picking up his flask of water with his tail. “Did you need something?”

Surrin looked up at Verin with a look he couldn’t quite decipher. “Sort of. Can I come in?”

“Sure!” He was about to take a sip from it when he remembered the water that was in it. Then, he casually returned it to his bag of things. “What can I do for you?”

Quietly, Surrin closed the door behind him and sat down in a chair nearby. “You don’t have to pretend you’re okay. I heard about what happened. The fight.”

Verin’s smile faltered, but he didn’t completely drop it. His ears told a different story as he wasn’t able to keep them perked up. “Oh. Is there something you wanted to talk to me about it?”

“I just wanted to check in. It sounded pretty serious.”

“I’m okay,” Verin said, still keeping up his smile. “Lucian’s just being dumb. You’ve known them a lot longer than I have, so you’re probably more used to it than I am. I’ll adjust, really.”

He shifted uncomfortably where he stood and started walking from one part of the room to the other, his tail flicking back and forth erratically. Even though Surrin was almost half his size, sitting halfway across the room, and not saying a word, Verin felt trapped. He had half a mind to jump out the window and make a break for it, but that wouldn’t do anyone any favors.

After stewing in the silence for a little while, Surrin heaved a long sigh and leaned forward to look at Verin closely. “I understand that you’re scared. Adventuring is something that takes a while to get used to, no matter what the rest of us say. Having so many close calls with death isn’t easy.”

“But Lucian…” Surrin looked up at Verin, an earnest look in his eyes. “I think you should trust her. I’d love more than anything to say that she knows what she’s doing, but I don’t think that would fool anybody at this point.”

That managed to put a real smile on Verin’s face for a moment. He sat down at the edge of the bed, his tail still flicking about anxiously.

“Do you ever get used to this?” Verin asked. “Watching the people you love risk their lives over stupid stuff?”

“No.” Surrin’s expression darkened. “I hate to say it, and it’s depressing to face. But, it doesn’t any easier.”

That was… not the answer Verin was hoping for. He couldn’t think of anything to say to that, any response he could formulate. Surrin wrapped his arms around himself, as if to shield himself from the bad memories that were surely going through his mind. “I still remember it. Watching Drys and Vivi die right in front of me. Seeing them bleed out, and… and I couldn’t do anything about it. I remember all the times we were covered in blood after a fight, and not all of it was the enemy’s.”

He took a slow, shaky breath as he looked up at Verin, determination in his eyes. “It doesn’t get easier, but that’s what keeps me moving. As long as I draw breath, I will protect the people I care about. No one else is going to die under my watch.”

There was a moment of silence before Verin cleared his throat, finally finding some words to say. “Um… thank you for the… uh… advice?”

Suddenly, Surrin seemed to snap out of his dark spiral and realized Verin was still there. He sat up, his cheeks turning pink. “Oh! Sorry, um… yeah. Advice. Uhhh…” Surrin snapped his fingers and formed finger guns at Verin as he got up from the chair. “Trust Lucian, it’ll work out, and uh… good luck!”

With that, Surrin opened the door behind him and backed out of the room until he was gone. Verin blinked wordlessly and slouched forward. He was hoping for something encouraging and uplifting, not… that. He couldn’t fault Surrin for it, though. He did try. That was all Verin could ask for at this point.

He sighed and fell back on the bed, processing Surrin’s words. Lucian wasn’t going to change. None of them were. Verin was the one who should be getting used to adventuring and getting dragged along on pointless quests. This was the life he chose. He wanted to be an adventurer. He wanted to help people, save them from bad guys. He didn’t realize most of adventuring was stumbling around from place to place, hoping to find something to do, or flinging yourself into danger.

Verin stared up at the ceiling, his fingers wrapped around his necklace. He should write home. Not like he would know where that was by now, but he should. Sariel was probably worried sick about him… The others probably too…

He felt guilty. He packed up his things and left because he wanted adventure. Now, here he was. About to watch someone he cared about risk their life for… for what? The Aarakocra? The shield? What was Lucian so prepared to throw away his life for, exactly?

Finally, Verin curled up into a ball, still holding the necklace tightly in his hands. Whoever was listening, be it Eldath, Mielikki, or Torm, he hoped someone could provide some peace of mind. Even if they didn’t actually help Lucian in the trials tomorrow, he just wanted a small scrap of hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, there! I asked my friend, Jett (who plays Surrin) to help me out with some of the dialogue so I can't take all the credit here! Anyway, I hope you guys liked this one.
> 
> I may edit it in the future to make it more polished, but for now, I'm satisfied.


	2. Almost Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Verin pays Lucian a visit before the trials to give him a mini lecture, and a gift.

The sunrise was always a sight to behold. No matter where the party went, or what tragedy might have occurred the night before, Lucian could always watch the morning sun slowly rise over the horizon and feel at peace.

It would only be a few hours until the trials began. Normally, Lucian wouldn’t have taken off their armor, even in a safe space. It left him defenseless and open to attacks from all sides. Anyone could sneak up on them, and they would have no means of protection. Being a paladin and an adventurer only put her at more risk on an average day. Today, however, they wanted a few minutes to breathe. A few minutes just to watch the sunrise and forget all of her troubles. And so, their armor was sitting next to them on the grass as they sat with their legs crossed at a cliff.

As a cool breeze hit Lucian’s cheeks, he tugged his braid loose so it could flow freely with the wind. In truth, it was kind of corny. But, they loved the feeling.

She watched the sky turn from dark blue to a vibrant pink and purple. As he did, he didn’t notice Verin come up from behind until he sat down next to him, his legs dangling over the edge. They glanced over at him before looking back at the sunrise.

“Your hair looks nice when it’s down,” Verin said quietly.

“Thank you,” Lucian replied.

The silence was heavy between the two of them. Lucian wasn’t sure if Verin could feel it, but he could feel the unspoken words in the air around them. The emotions still simmering inside of them. She was trying to figure out if she should say something to him. Maybe they could simply sit in silence. Admire the changing colors in the sky and how an enormous ball of light millions of miles away could rise over the horizon to illuminate the world around them.

Eventually, however, Lucian did break the silence.

“Are you still angry with me?” they asked.

“Absolutely. I’m still pissed.”

“Oh…”

“I haven’t decided if I still want to smack you or not. Now that you don’t have all that armor on, I can.”

There was a good, long minute where Lucian thought he was being serious and she braced herself for an attack, fingers twitching towards her shield. When it didn’t come, they looked over to see Verin looking out at the sunrise with a sad smile instead.

“I know I can’t stop you,” he said, still not looking at Lucian. As he continued, he plucked a flower off of the edge of the cliff. “You’re reckless. You have no sense of self-preservation. In all honesty, you’re kind of an idiot.”

As he listed off traits, he plucked a petal from the flower, letting it fly away on the gentle breeze. Each pluck was a tiny stab at their pride. Like a bee, stinging at it over and over until there were no more petals left for Verin to pluck.

Even so, Lucian puffed up his chest. “I’m no coward.”

Verin rolled his eyes in response. “There’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity. You’ve flown right past that line.”

“Towards bravery?”

Verin didn’t say anything in response, merely shaking his head softly in disapproval. Lucian deflated a little bit at that.

“I’m only doing what I believe is right,” Lucian said. After a moment of thinking, he added, “And I want that animated shield.”

“I know,” Verin sighed. “Which is why I’m letting you borrow this.”

He took off a necklace Lucian wasn’t even aware he wore. Then again, it seemed to be hidden underneath his ever-present scarf. It seemed to be five seashells tied together to form a star shape. When it caught the morning light, the seashells seemed to change color from blue to a soft green. It was beautiful, but it didn’t seem to be very valuable.

Verin thumbed it, a small smile gracing his lips. “It’s my sister’s. When I was a kid and I had my first performance, she gave it to me as a good luck charm. She said it was meant to guide the wearer back home if they’re ever lost.”

He leaned forward and put the necklace on Lucian, his fingers brushing over Lucian’s ears and cheeks. The light green that normally dusted his skin slowly turned pink. Verin didn’t seem to notice as he pulled away, his eyes glassy.

“There’s nothing I can do to stop you. And I wouldn’t be helpful one way or another.” He used his sleeve to try and wipe away the tears before they could escape. “But, I thought…”

Lucian gently took Verin’s hand and gave him a small smile. “It’s perfect.”

Verin sniffled and rubbed his eyes again. “If you break it, then you’re going to wish you died a heroic death during those trials. Got it?”

They laughed softly and nodded. “Understood.”

The two of them sat there, fingers intertwined, and watched the sun rise for a little bit longer until it was above the horizon and the sky was turning blue. Verin helped Lucian put his armor on, saving a lot of time. As he held onto the helmet, he looked up at Lucian, glancing between the helmet and her.

“What is it?” they asked.

Without saying a word, Verin leaned up on his tip toes and kissed them on the cheek. Before Lucian could react, he put the helmet on and shrunk away, mumbling something in Infernal that sounded a lot like  _ jag elaimkyu yamo _ . She didn’t know a lot of Infernal, but she could make out something like “I” and “you” at the beginning and end.

“What was that?” Lucian asked, still a little bit dazed.

“You’re not going to give any regard to your own safety,” Verin said, still not meeting Lucian’s eye. “So… for my sake… please don’t die.”

He looked down at the tiefling, surprised by the action. Perhaps it was a tradition in the circus. They did do a lot of death-defying stunts. Yes, that must have been it. They picked up their shield and offered Verin a confident smile.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “I’m not going to die.”

Verin mumbled something else as the two of them started walking, and this time Lucian was barely able to catch it. “That’s the attitude I’m scared about.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gaaah one more chapter.
> 
> It wasn't going to be three chapters, but then I decided to make it three chapters. So, hooray for that? More content??


	3. Almost Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the battle, Lucian might finally get some sense knocked into their dense as fuck head. Like, seriously, dude. Get a clue.

Silence fell before the area as the orc leader fell to the ground, dead. Then, cheers erupted from all the Aaracokra and Valhallan warriors. Lucian was still wounded, arrows sticking out of his armor, bruises battering his skin, and a cut on his face. But, she was alive. In spite of the odds, she was alive. They breathed a sigh of relief at that, even though breathing kind of hurt.

“Lucian!”

He turned and saw Verin, running towards him. Oh no.

“H-hey! Look, see? I’m alive!” Lucian tried reasoning.

That wasn’t stopping Verin. He kept plowing through dead bodies and cheering Aaracokras to reach Lucian. They took a few nervous steps back, hoping that maybe he would slow down a little bit.

“I-I didn’t break the necklace either!” She took it out from under her armor to show him as proof. “See? It’s okay!”

That still didn’t stop Verin. Lucian was really getting nervous. She was about to make a run for it when Verin was suddenly in front of her. They looked down at him, taking off their helmet and putting it down so they could take the necklace off and hand it back to him.

“Look, I’m okay,” Lucian said. “Really. I’m a little bruised, but nothing Lilli can’t heal--”

That was when Verin grabbed Lucian by the (now slightly charred) tunic that was on top of his armor and dragged him down to his level, slamming his lips on Lucian’s. For a moment, a good, long moment that felt like it lasted for an eternity, Lucian was completely frozen. They couldn’t figure out why Verin was doing this. They were just friends. Was this a friend thing? A circus thing? There was just… no way Verin would feel the same way she felt, right? Right?!

But, the moment ended and Verin’s lips were soft and his hands were on his cheeks and his fingers brushing against his jaw and Lucian was  _ gone _ . He wrapped his arms around Verin’s waist and let himself melt into the kiss.

If someone were to ask Lucian what the kiss felt like, she wouldn’t be able to answer. It felt like a lot of things. Too many, they would say. It felt like the victory she earned from the battle. It felt like watching Verin fly through the air as he back flipped to perform a trick, or stab someone in the neck with his rapier. It felt like a rushing tide, like an explosion of color. It felt like honor, justice, everything Lucian fought for and more.

But, it also felt like what it was like that morning he shared with Verin, their fingers intertwined and watching the sunrise as the breeze gently blew away flower petals.

It felt like home.

When Verin eventually pulled away, Lucian chased after him for a moment before pulling back. They blinked their eyes open, still in a daze from the rush of emotions that ran through them.

It was then that he saw the tears streaming down Verin’s cheeks. As she was about to say something to comfort him, he wrapped his arms around her neck, ignoring the heavy armor.

“Don’t ever fucking do that again, okay?” he said. “I was so scared.”

Lucian still had his arms around Verin’s waist, so he held him a little bit tighter. They still wanted to be gentle, though. Armor was not ideal for hugs. There was a moment when he was about to say how he was okay, and that he was right and he didn’t actually die. However, when she opened her mouth and took a breath, she saw Surrin standing nearby, glaring down Lucian as he nocked an arrow in his bow.

Lilli picked up on what was happening and stood next to him, also glaring down Lucian, but also while she was holding her hammer menacingly. Lucian closed his mouth and swallowed his words. They didn’t seem very important, now that she thought about it.

That night, after there was a huge feast and much celebration, everyone returned to their bedrooms, their bellies full of good food, and bodies ready to sleep after a battle as exhausting, but as amazing as that.

Lucian, however, could not sleep. Their brain was too busy replaying the kiss in their mind over and over again. What did it mean? It could have just been a friend thing. Friends… drag each other down for emotionally charged kisses right after a harrowing battle all the time, right? Right. Yes, that had to have been it. It couldn’t have possibly been anything else.

And yet, she wanted it to mean more than that. Verin was so… gentle and soft. Sure, he flirted with anything that moved, and fucked the most masculine thing in the room. But, he argued for the greater good, fed stray cats, and  _ Torm almighty _ his smile could end wars. It lit up his face, revealed the dimples on his cheeks, and made Lucian’s heart skip several beats.

Just because it obviously didn’t mean anything didn’t mean Lucian didn’t want it to.

At some point, his thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. “It’s unlocked,” she called to whoever was on the other side.

Lilli walked in, her arms crossed as she shut the door and leaned back against it. Lucian sat up from the bed and offered a small, shaky smile.

“Oh, hello,” they said. “I thought you’d be asleep by now.”

“I could say the same to you,” she replied. “That was quite a fight, wasn't it?”

“Yes! It was truly invigorating. And look!” He held up the animated shield with a massive grin. “I now have a worthy shield!”

Lilli gave him a tight smile. “That’s  _ great _ . I wanted to talk to you about what happened  _ after _ the battle.”

“What do you mean?”

“You. And Verin. You kissed.”

Lucian’s stomach dropped at that. They put the shield down and looked back up at Lilli. “That was merely a platonic thing, was it not?”

Immediately, Lilli’s palm collided with her forehead and she mumbled something under her breath in Gnomish. She took a long, deep, ragged breath as if doing so was causing her physical pain. “Lucian. Honey. Friends don’t kiss like that.”

“Surely they do in the circus.”

“Oh. My.  _ Savras. _ You’re joking. You have to be joking. Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Why would I joke about this?” She laughed nervously and looked away from Lilli. “Verin doesn’t feel the same way. He wouldn’t.”

Lilli took out the Elf Bonking Frying Pan from behind her back, got up on the bed, and bonked Lucian on the head with it.

“Ow!” he cried.

“Listen up, Larkspur!” Lilli cried, pointing the frying pan at Lucian’s face and glaring him down. “Verin really likes you! And I already told him that if he hurt you that he would become a beautiful jade decoration for my home. But, if you hurt him with your sheer  _ density _ , I’m not going to hold back.”

Lucian looked up at Lilli, rubbing the spot she hit him on, blinking in confusion.

She kept glaring at him until she realized he wasn’t understanding her message. She then groaned loudly and sat down in front of him. “I’m serious! Verin has been flirting with you since day one!”

“He flirts with everyone, though,” they replied.

“He’s been chasing you down the most, though! Sure, he sleeps around a lot, but the way he talks to you and worries about you isn’t just a friend thing!” Lilli ran her fingers through her hair and looked about ready to tear out chunks. “He’s head over heels for you, Lucian! The poor boy would probably use himself as a shield to stop you from getting hurt!”

“That’s absurd!”

“Lucian, come  _ on _ . He’s in love with you, and you’re falling for him just as hard. Everyone in the party can see it!”

In defense, Lucian wrapped his arms around himself, trying to shield away from the feelings he didn’t want to confront. Yes, they were falling for Verin. And hard. It was a secret she was trying to keep, but apparently it wasn’t a very well-kept secret. But, how could they be sure Verin felt the same way about them as they did for him? All he had were Lilli’s words, and… yes, she followed the god of divination and fate, but that didn’t mean she was right.

Quietly, they averted their eyes away from Lilli. “It… It doesn’t matter. You may be right, but you may also be wrong.”

Lilli sighed heavily, hopping down from the bed and making her way back to the door. “At least talk to him. If you don’t try to make things clear, you’re going to break his heart before you’re even together.”

Lucian watched her leave, their fingers digging into their clothes. She made it seem so easy. Couldn’t she understand how unlikely it really was that Verin would fall for someone like them? Slowly, he brought his hands down to his lap. She glanced down at them. There was so much blood on their hands. Too many people he let down. How could someone love something like that?

Later that night, Lucian heard a gentle knock at the door. She sat up from staring at the ceiling for the last several hours.

“Come in,” they said.

Verin walked in and quietly crawled into bed with Lucian, bags under his eyes and his hands still shaking. He didn’t need to say anything. Regardless of their feelings for one another, this was one interaction that was sacred and would not be broken. Lucian held him in his arms, gently running his fingers through his hair as his breathing evened out.

Lucian watched him fall asleep and resumed staring up at the ceiling. Did he like them? He was just so… gentle and sweet and fragile. And Lucian was… well, Lucian. It seemed like an impossible dream.

Though, with Verin’s soft breathing and the peaceful serenity of night, Lucian felt herself wanting to drift off into that dream. They made themself a bit more comfortable, for them and for Verin, and buried their face into the fluffy mess that was his hair.

And as they drifted into slumber, they could have sworn they heard Verin mumble something into their chest.

“I love you…”


End file.
